Dear Mike,
I saw your letter to projectionists asking them to please kindly project your new film, Transformers 3. As a person who is nominally interested in 3D, I’m intrigued by this fancy new “Platinum 6 Version” of the film. What is it? Did you put nipples on Optimus Prime? Does Megan Fox voice Arcee? Does Will Smith have a cameo as Batman? Does he say “Aw Hell naw”?
In order to help you with your mission of getting as many people to see your new movie in its 3D format as possible, I offer you two humble suggestions. These are websites that would help the movie going public know whether they should pay an extra 6 bucks to get a headache with their giant popcorn, or just wait 48 hours and torrent the movie so they have something playing in the background while they masturbate to screengrabs of Zoe Saldana.
1) 3Dornot3D.com: A user-polling website that tells you whether or not a movie was filmed in 3D, or mangled with some crazy post-production process that makes the movie unwatchable. Users can vote whether or not the movie is worth the extra 6 bucks, or will just give you a headache.
2) ProjectionistsUnited.com: A list of theaters (with mapping and directions! API’s can do fascinating things) that have agreed to show 3D films the way the filmmakers intended.
Domain names are fairly cheap to register, I’m told. I’m also given to understand you are a man of considerable means. If your letter is any indication, you are someone who cares greatly about the quality of work performed by the drunk teenagers at my local cineplex.
I’ve been burned too many times, Mike. If your movie is worth the 3D, let us know where we can see it. And leave those alone.
