Free Agents = Bizarro Portland

Imagine a friend calls you up one night (drunk) and spends at least seven minutes telling you about the city where they went to college. During a conversation at work the next day you vaguely mention a few points from the previous night’s convo to a co-worker who jots them down on a post-it. Fast forward one thousand years into the future to a near dead earth. The post-it is recovered by an alien archaeologist who has zero knowledge of our language or culture but through countless hours of alien science type research is able to decipher a single word … PORTLAND.

The writers of Free Agents know less about Portland than THAT GUY.

Let me introduce you to the cast:

The premise of Free Agents is that all of these remarkably well-groomed people work in a fancy spaceship that the show inexplicably insists on referring to as Portland. CUT TO HELICOPTER SHOT OF PORTLAND! CUT TO ANOTHER HELICOPTER SHOT OF PORTLAND! BEARDED GUY! LONELY TREE! BRIDGES! These good looking people solve PR problems with a plucky-brand of non-socially conscious public relations – just exactly how that is not done in Portland! In the pilot episode the gang help a corporate farming conglomerate spin an inconvenient salmonella outbreak while piloting the Spaceship Portland free of the Tachyon Field which held it in stasis for several weeks. Not really but also basically…yes.

Some insights into how NBC executives view this show (and America) come from reading the plot summary posted on NBC.com, portions of which I’ve included below (without permission):

The next morning at work (corporate PR firm Hale Dayton), Alex is looking a little the worse for wear. His co-workers Gregg and Dan immediately ask, “What was her name, bro?” and beg for details.

On the way into work the next morning, Emma pressures Helen to start going out to clubs again. After all, it’s been a year since her fiance died.

Alex and Helen proceed to the Omdyne conference room to coach CEO Polk on talking points: the salmonella outbreak should be referred to as “the recent incident,” and since organic farming methods are responsible for the salmonella, the company will now use “Safe-Ganic” methods. Yes, it’s a word they made up.

After the meeting, super sassy executive assistant Emma hands off Alex’s messages with more than the usual attitude. His wife’s been calling – a lot – and Emma’s not into dealing with Alex’s personal problem(s).

The show is like, insultingly not funny and fucking super derivative. The fact that it takes place in Portland almost seems like an afterthought – like the head writer just finished reading a NY Times article about Le Pigeon and decided to set his show in some sort of imaginary Disneyland meets Brett Easton Ellis Bizarro Portland with nary a tattoo or wood floor in sight. If you live in Portland you can hate-watch this if you don’t really like yourself. Otherwise, do yourself a favor and avoid Free Agents at all costs.