Rather than asking you guys to read this atrocious Gizmodo article about a poor, put upon lady being forced to go out on a date with a cute dude who is very, very good at Magic: The Gathering I wrote a slightly condensed version of it for you. You’re welcome.
Earlier this morning I came home drunk AGAIN and made an OK Cupid profile because I’d overheard some people at the bar I live at frequent discussing something called the internet. They were obviously nerds so I punched them in the butt, drank my lemon drop shot and stumbled out the door thinking to myself, “I miss High School”.
The first few million thousand responses I got after logging onto OK Cupid were soooo depressing. “I can’t spell – want to make fun of me?” “You are obvs way too good to be doing this” and “OMG PRETTY PRINCESS OMG YOU ARE ONE!!!!1111 HOW DID YOU GET THAT WAY TALK MORE PLEASE” I mean, ha! I know all those things, duh. But then one caught my eye, “Hi, I am normal. I might not talk about your panties”. So he wasn’t perfect but obviously I was pretty excited.
We went to my favorite martini tapas sports bar and I was all “Hey, you look almost as good as I do!” while my date stared at my hair. But then came the talking (BORING) and oh, you guys, it was terrible. Just…HORRIFYING. He – I don’t even know how to say this – he plays some kind of nerd game. With other nerds. And they enjoy it so much they were going to keep playing it that weekend even though he could instead be spending that time with my hair and anyway it’s not even a real game – like Golden Tee or something. IT IS MAGIC THE GATHERING OH SWEET JESUS MY PORES ARE CLOGGING JUST TYPING THAT. I almost puked on him.
Seriously, the puke was right there in my mouth and I wanted to like…sick it up all over his nerd thoughts and feelings and hobbies because GROSS IT WAS JUST LIKE HE WAS A SERIAL KILLER ONLY WORSE BECAUSE I WASN’T DEAD AND STILL HAD TO HEAR ABOUT HIS STUPID BASEMENT DWELLING (HAHAHAHAA SICK BURN) HOBBY.
Anyway, I’m still single.
Epic. This was a much more entertaining version of the giz….*other* article!
I feel “article” would have been more appropriate to put in quotes here.
Kiala: The Righter Gizmodo’s Writers Couldn’t Right Like.
You are the best.
Veronica is hot!
I love you, Kiala. I hope this is the first in a long line of nerdrage posts about that shallow harpy. The whole original article was just tacky and reminded me about the too-good-for-anyone girls I knew in high school. Like seriously, get over yourself.
well played, Kiala… well played.
Awesome!!!! I refuse to even post the link to that other story… no need to increase pageviews.
Quote of the year right here: “GROSS IT WAS JUST LIKE HE WAS A SERIAL KILLER ONLY WORSE BECAUSE I WASN’T DEAD AND STILL HAD TO HEAR ABOUT HIS STUPID BASEMENT DWELLING” haha!
I just want to thank you so very much for making the best possible response to that horrid article!
Best article ever.
Nice. People are free to have an opinion, but to put down a person publicly that many others may know and like to somehow (I really have no idea what target reader she was trying to appeal to) make herself look “superior?” is beyond me.
Awesome. You win the Internet today
In a nutshell: pure, unadulterated perfection. Can’t wait to see what the rest of the Internet has to say about that pitiful excuse of an article.
<3 well said, well said.
I think I fell in love with that gurl :-V
The last line totally seals it.
This past week’s episode of LOUIE had a couple of wonderful scenes where he tries to talk to a cheerleader on a USO tour that marvelously illustrates a similar scenario. Thought Mr. CK is far more awkward than the fella in question here.
Holy shit AMAZING! This is essentially what happened in my head as I read that article. But more of th “I miss High School.” and an added “Let’s go to Costco to buy vodka & Plan B in bulk”.
This whole situation should be turned into a meme or turned over to the throngs of anon on 4chan. Nerds have a scary big brother and his name is Anon.
Bravo!
Awesome.
Scratch that.
Fucking Awesome.
Let’s have a drink.
I’m glad that poor excuse for an article has drummed up so much back lash. The chick deserves it almost as much as that college girl that made the asians in the library video.
Love it, honestly though. Who posts something like that on the internet where her main audiance is geeks, nerds, what ever token name she wants to pin folk with?
Karma’s a bitch, and i sense the full wrath of the internet in all its glory coming down on her head over the next few days.
I LOVE THIS.
<333
This broad is the same dumb kind that always complains that there aren’t any decent guys out there.
Discredit someone just because they show dedication, skill, and love toward a hobby? Way to go, you moron. If this guy was a world champion BMX rider, or a world champion football player, you’d be fawning all over his skills and bragging about it to your idiot friends.
Then again, I suppose you did this guy a favor.
The first line in your reply discredited everything else you wrote .
Excellent! I love the Cliff’s Notes version! Somebody get Kiala some tacos!
Omg. I DO WANT SOME TACOS.
I guess Gawker media’s opinion is that nerds are just fine, as long as they stick to the IO9 ghetto….
Would it have been any better if he were a World class Chess player? That chick will remain single for as long as it takes her to realize SHE is the nerd/geek/loser in someone elses eye. The second you look down on someone for suceeding at something they are passionate about and winning $332,369 dollars, you are saying “I am a shallow person who can’t see past one thing to explore you as a person.” I am glad she didn’t dcontinue to date John, he deserves better.
Hey, why did you just repost — ?
Oh, as I reread yours, I’m starting to see the subtle differences.
Very nice.
Amazing
“I miss High School”.
…brilliant
Oh girl, if I could buy you a drink for this, I totally would. XD That dude’s so lucky he didn’t get stuck with someone like her.
Best thing I’ve read all day, which is good, because the original thing was the worst thing I’ve read all week.
I AM ENJOY!
I’m sure it’s not in Jon’s best interests to talk about this article publicly, so I’m glad someone (or, apparently, many someones) is willing to put this waste of space in her place.
Hail to the King!
I’m world champion of a similar game named shadow era, although I didn’t win 300k, and I don’t really consider myself a nerd, I’m glad this chick didn’t continue to see this guy. Shallow woman, if putting on a bra had world championships, and she won, I’m sure she would brag about how well she can do it, and spend the weekend teaching her friends, with pride. Or if she put hermakeup
this was awesome
+1 internet
On exceptionally well, she would take pride in that and brag to her friends. Some ppl.. Sorry about the double post, big fingers on a tiny screen. All I’m trying to say is there’s nothing wrong in taking pride in something you do well, or better than anyone else in the world.
Perfect! Somebody has to make this into a Hitler rant!
Blisteringly accurate, and far more entertaining than the original.
Really, I’d expect Bereznak to conclude that she shouldn’t use OK Cupid itself, but she doesn’t. She instead blames a person from an Internet dating site for not being a paragon of normality, which makes me wonder: exactly what assumptions did she have going in? And how many more people will she attempt to date before it registers that not everyone adheres to her unstated assumptions?
Loverly. I don’t want the internet to go all Cook’s Source on that harpy, but some sort of retort was in order.
God, what a bitch!
Man, this almost makes me want to see a version where she meets Vin Diesel. “So, he told me he was an action star and I got all excited in my lady parts because he’s rich and famous. And then, he told me he played something called Dungeons and Dragons. More than once. Ew.”
Shorter kiala:
“Tech blogger doesn’t understand that the cheap high of superiority she gets from judging others as ‘nerdy’ makes her more vulgar than her perceived shallowness ever would. Also, irony. THE END.”
Laugh out loud funny, and clearly the best thing so far to come out of this whole affair. Thanks
Haha! Loved it!
Such a huge improvement.
I don’t know what she would have done if she’d had to continue dating someone that is smart, has friends and earns large amounts of prize money. She’d pretty much just have to kill herself from embarrassment I guess.
You are awesome. Nuff said.
I use to play magic… I made my girlfriend at the time play a game with me. She never played the game again, but she did marry me anyways.
I think the most entertaining part of the woman’s incessant ramblings in the original article is that she actually only focused on the fact that he played Magic. If she would’ve stuck around she would’ve learned that he’s a a stock-broker, professional sports gambler (and damn good at it; to the point where companies exist to counteract what he does), owns multiple hedge-funds and is a f***ing multi-millionaire. It was obvious that she’s the kind of shallow bitch that wants a guy like that, but she was even a failure at being a shallow bitch. What an absolute idiot. (btw I’m posting this on her article as well with obvious pronoun changes)
You, ma’am, are a genius. Thank you, for being you.
That…was….epic…
gg wp. +1
Let’s take a moment to reflect on what we’ve learned today:
1)name-dropping is for stories that make you look good (or at least, like a person)
2)Jon Finkel is single and looking
3)You can find him on OkCupid
4)His last date was atrocious (ladies you have an ‘in’)
Bravo Kiala! Sean, you are so right–if she is too shallow to really look give a decent guy a chance, more for me.
This article is a whole big bucket of AWESOME!!!! Gratci, you rock!
You’re the best. For real.
God, I actually went back and read the original to see how much embellishment you actually made in your mock-summary.
…
I think the original was far more rabid-at-the-mouth crazy scathing. What a bitch.
well done. so many props.
Truly awesome! A well-done bit of satire, and probably more than Miss Bereznak deserves.
If I had a hat, I’d take it off. Excellent satire of a disgusting article that had no place on Gizmodo, let alone ON THE INTERNET WHATSOEVER.
This is my first date with you, and I love you!
This was the necessary antidote for that terrible rubbish I was coerced into reading. The world is right once again.
Well played …
Lovely.
Somewhere, on an alternate Earth:
“OMG I totally went out with this guy, who like still played games he played as a kid, and like total turnoff! Like seriously, who plays baseball after Little League anyways? That’s no way to be a normal person!”
I’m a writer too. Gotz me a Writers Guild Award and schtuff. I married a Magic nerd and had his babies. Now we take turns going to pre-releases in our nerdly-heaven. Sorry, but you swung and missed!
Awesomesauce!
*heart*
Thanks for the rebuttal – Alyssa Bereznak has no business in any sort of media
This, 1,000 times!
“Kiala are a perfessionel righter”
Marry me.
bonerbonerboner
I love that you proudly claim your words, but Blergh~modo doesn’t even list a writer or contact info* for their talent. Probably couldn’t get the sign-off from her Parole Officer.
*In my browser with my config on my platform anyways.
Well at least somebody is helping this kunt see the error of her ways finally: http://goo.gl/f4pXo
Nice, but I think she’s externalizing her own nerdiness, no? Nothing worse than a self-hating nerd.
At any rate, I’m not really a media nerd, more of a trippy-hippy convoluted existential belligerent nerd, does that count? If so, one jobs please. I work for exactly five nothings.
Wow, I thought nerd and geek are mainstream nowadays. Doesn’t everyone own a wii now?
Although there’s a big back lash, but I wager that there exist plenty of woman of the previous generation who don’t interact much with the net and still think like Alyssa. The only way for this to change is for the nerd/geek champions to start earning big bucks and be featured on TV.
i love you!
I like you. *hug*
Damned GOP… doesn’t understand the love of a good cat.
its practically racism, I have no idea how they get away with it in this day and age, I mean… We’re both mammals and we love each other, WHAT MORE COULD WE NEED.
I love you. You write for SF weekly, so that makes you local. Marry me… but after I take you out on a date and talk to you about my obsession with GOW (gears of war)
Please have my babies! No, get your head out of the gutter. I don’t want to have sex with you. I want to give you my offspring to take care of and raise. One is 6 months old and the other one is 2 and half. After reading this article I feel you are a perfect replacement for me.
Magic is for nerds. Play some World of Warcraft! GET AT ME: level 85 Night Elf Rogue!
No but seriously this is awesome! It’s really dumb to judge people based on stuff like that.
Best thing about this whole thing? The solidarity. There’s something about people reflexively supporting people (especially those that they have no reason to support) that reminds me of the fact that the foundation of civilization is civility. Kiala, on the offchance that Mr. Finkel doesn’t stumble across this grand piece of satire, be assured that you deserve his thanks… and I’ll gladly give mine, for your act of rewarding my faith in humanity.
Honestly, to get this pissed at this chick who wasn’t into what he was into, what should she have done? She looked it him up, saw he was a big deal and did the right fucking thing..
She knew she can’t handle or compete with the lifestyle he was living. You are all mad because she didn’t immediately, drop on all 4s and start pumping out babies. Fact is, she did him a favor..
James Cameron divorced Linda Hamilton and he used to tell her: “Anybody can be a father or a husband. There are only five people in the world who can do what I do, and I’m going for that.” She realized she couldn’t be 2nd and left but they are both good friends.
Maye she could have made it work, but as someone who was semi am at skating, it was hard to juggle a chick and skate tours. I’m glad she did what she did. I applaud that she didn’t weigh the man down.. I do take 1 issue though, she could have broke him off some just to say she was with the world champion of “something”.
You missed the point of nearly 90% of the comments here. Good job. It’s not that she realized this guy is wrong for her that makes her a bitch. It’s her snide and pretentious attitude/tone.
I’m sure the guys here has always had to say GLOWING things about women. She stated very clearly, the 3 things that turned her off about being with the dude. She’s completely within her right to say “hey this guy is too nerdy for me”. Just like one may say 1 dude maybe too much of a sports junkie, pot head. Not everyone is obligated to follow this “look inside” attitude. A lot of men get a lot less of an opportunity than this guy did and the fact that in 2 dates he couldn’t have kept this girl’s attention, I just don’t know what to tell you.
BILLIONS of dates end after just the 1st one for a billion reasons, problem is none get published. Stop being that guy.. I had a woman not want to see me any more simply because I didn’t go to the same church (I’m an atheist now, un-related). Not eveyrone is MEANT to be together..
Yes, she is within her rights to say “I don’t like nerdy guys” and that’s fine. But to make an entire article about it, sharing his personal information, and pretty much slandering anyone who happens to like games? It’s not about her simply stating she doesn’t like games, it’s her mocking anyone who does, even going as far as being disgusted he’s even on OKCupid and “warning” everyone that *gasp* He’s into GAMING!!! Please. Also, “broad” is the point I was referring to, it’s derogatory and makes you look like a douche.
So I just found this on Pastebin while trying to send some code to my friend..
I Google’d what it was about, and I figure that I’ll just post it here because I don’t have a Reddit account and Gizmodo is shit.
Whoops, I meant the link I put in “Website.”
http://pastebin.com/t981KA9x
It tells the story from Jon’s perspective.
This just about sums up the retards over there.
This makes me happy. What’s with Gawker and constantly letting people submit shitty fucking articles? Kotaku first, now this shit? I hope she never finds a date.
It is sad that when someone not only has to degrade themselves to writing for Gawker to impress hipster party brats, but feel the only way to get attention is to make someone far more successful than they can ever dream of being seem like a creepy stalker.
Although I guess it’s refreshing Gawker finally decided to branch out from the “tits for hits” mentality.
Can someone please spread this to Reddit and to other places?
http://pastebin.com/t981KA9x
It’s pretty funny.
Not really Jon (I know, obvious troll is obvious) but still pretty hilarious.
^_^ haha. Nicely put.
Now, school Peter ^^^^ about his flawed thinking about changing women’s thoughts about nerds/geeks. He seems to not understand Jon made $450,000 winning the world championship and is rich and that bitch knew that.
He also seems to think that pandering to shallow behavior is how you fix it. *sigh*
the reason this world is such a terrible place to live in is because that people like you exist, people who will NEVER take others as he/she is and hate them cuz of their hobby?
i think, by now, your jon finkel would’ve gotten someone else which is way better, enjoy your life, in singularity.
That was amazing. I think I love you
You are my hero of the day. Good on ‘ya!
“not even a real game – like Golden Tee or something.”
I LOL’ercosted! Anyone who’s ever played a golf game (or real golf for that matter) knows how frustrating the game is.
Nice article, great thing to read after a s**t week at work.
Lovely. Lovely. Let me say it again: lovely.
This was wonderful!
I don’t see the difference between this and the original.
Well done! Maybe you should get her job;)
You just know that Alyssa was blasting “Like a G6″ while writing that -other- article.
This is why we need to date our own kind. I don’t think I could be with a guy who wasn’t a geek.
Hilarious.
And I’m NOT saying that out of spite for Alyssa.
I love how “professional” Alyssa Bereznak is, airing her dirty laundry in public. It was just obnoxious in the beginning but then she called the person out by name. It is just so inappropriate.
http://goo.gl/PtZmE
This is awesome.
Not just a magic player- Jon motherfucking Finkel. The guy that EVERY OTHER PLAYER wishes they were. The top fucking dog of Magic. To turn down someone who’s the best in the world at anything, because you don’t see the merit in it, is absolutely insane.
Your are a fucking cunt and i hope your shallow ass rots in a lonely grave. Just because somebody plays magic (which i have played before and its alot like solitare with artwork and simple math) doesn’t mean they don’t deserve the same respect as anyone else, and to publicly humiliate him is just out of the question. I’ll LOL like the rest you bullies when you date some fucking athletic douche that treats you like how you are treating this guy. Nice guys finish last because fucks like you. Good Day
Great stuff Kiala!
Victory is yours.
I used to like dating before, but now everyone is doing it.
I’d hit it… with a hammer.
How do I marry you and subscribe to your blog? This article has peeked my interests.
You Win.
Going my awesome author list.
You are so fantastic I’m tingling. TINGLING. That makes you as fantastic as neural atrophy, which is to say pretty fucking amazing.
Cool, as an average Joe with great social skills, some nerd-like tendencies, and a beautiful/intelligent lady, I have to say people like you really need to grow up.
Yes, I am sure you will be reinforced by legions of men, who only want to praise you for your pretty face, tits, and/or vagina. Or praised by woman just as ignorant/shallow as you are. At least this guy has something interesting to offer…excitement (for who? maybe just himself)
This dude is happy / passionate about SOMETHING and it’s something that doesn’t require him to make fun of someone else for what they value. So tell yourself you are worth something (like this trophy I have on my wall), or better yet, find something better to do with yourself and your writing talents than trying to get heard by putting others down. Tsk Tsk.
Be a productive writer, not another tabloid columnist.
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
I think you missed the joke, she’s parodying this article: http://goo.gl/5YTpD
Awesome!.. Exactly! what I think really happened. Hahaha…
Well played.
+1
I don’t play Magic, or any games for that matter but that lady is horrible. I guess there is a reason I don’t read Gizmo*
Thank you Kiala. Thank you very much for this, made my day. And, thank you for loving me in my private parts. That is also appreciated.
For the motherfucking WIN. Right here.
Jon Finkel: proving that no matter what he does in his spare time, he’s still gonna tap that.
Way better giving hits to this nerd bait than the gawker one.
Go kiala Go!
> and anyway it’s not even a real game – like Golden Tee or something.
I smiled broadly.
Epic. I am geek and we own this internet. Now get the hell off it you dumb bimbo.
You are awesome. Great comeback.
Best article ever. The world needs more women to call out the shallow bitches for what they are.
Hah, awesome! I read the Gizmodo article and hell, I’d love a date with the guy. He sounds awesome. The author, on the other hand, sounds like an affront to womankind.
You win the Internets!
Found this legitimately hilarious, way to go.
tewst
Re: Gizmodo article
Wow…just…wow. Either trying to be funny and missed or really shallow person. But, I’ve known for quite a while that the only cool thing in the world is to believe in nothing and be bored by everything.
Also, first paragraph is a lie. For giggles she made a profile on a dating site…then started dating people from it.
Fantastic.
Such awesomeness, Kiala. While reading the original Giz article, I immediately thought “SCORE!!!” when the dude announced he was the world champion? Cute, polite, interesting enough to dig a Dahmer one-man show…AND the world champion?!? That’s like a 10 out of 10, ladies.
Kiala you’re the bomb… like Ben Affleck in Phantoms. I heart you.
Haha! Niiiiice
It’s also worth noting, that the Prize for winning the Magic: The Gathering World Champ Tourney is a freakin’ $450,000 pot.
Dude is hot, clearly smart and I love the cheeky way he tells her to date him. What the hell’s her problem? Nevermind, can I date him please???
I now love Kiala. Seriously your private parts may never be the same.
Shouldn’t she have been the one to clarify that she was a shallow human being in her profile? Why does the rest of the world have to go out of their way to save her some time…
First, you should totally be allowed to marry your cat.
Thing is, the freelancer posted that “horror” story on the male-centric Gizmodo, frequented by the tech-saavy and owned by Gawker. If she’d posted on “Jezebel.com” (more female-centric and also owned by Gawker) she would have had a more sympathetic audience.
There is method to her madness; she engaged in “nerd-baiting.” By posting an anti-nerd screed on a site frequented by nerds, she increases the number of hits, which makes sure that, as a freelancer, she gets paid. The problem is, well, what price fame?
The article was posted on Jezebel too which is where I saw it first. STILL, they cross posted it for the maximum page views for CERTAIN – I agree.
This is JUST as shallow as the original. OH NOES! YOU DON’T LIKE WHAT I LIKE?! FUCK YOU!
I don’t really see how people saying, “Magic is awesome and you suck if you don’t think so!” is ANY different that that chick saying she thinks Magic is stupid.
It’s satire. See: Jonathan Swift
Also, this woman went on a date with a dude and attempted to humiliate him on the internet all in the name of page views. Not okay.
saw the original and its really shallow imo not to mention humiliating him on the internet. we all meet people who have hobbies that we dont like/care about. for example i live and hang out with cross country despite being a nerd. lol just think this guy couldve had an amazing quality like being amazing in bed or something but shell never know cause her bitch mode kicked on at the first thing she didnt like
Lol funny. Best part “it’s not even a real game – like Golden Tee or something”
You left out the best part! The part where after being so horrified at him, she asks him on a second date….. because that makes total sense.
Hilarious! I laughed so hard. You totally deserve a burrito for this. Also, shallow people suck.
I’m not taking Ms. Bereznak’s side, but I cannot imagine where this could possibly be appropriate for a first (or ever) date:
“Jon had bought us tickets for a one-man show based on serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer’s life story.”
That pushes the creep factor off the scale.
Haha that was fantastic. The entire ordeal is pretty ludicrous.
I came.
Twice.
All of the everything!
Yes, if things were so horrible and lame, why the second date?
This paraphrasing was brilliant, by the way. Thank you, Kiala, for the laugh!
“If you want to be loved, be lovable.”
http://isityourmission.blogspot.com/
Now THIS is f-in journalism. I laughed. I cried. Would read again and recommend to my dog.
I owe you. Two drinks.
You fricking rock.
I love you. I truly do.
She is (deservedly) on her way to becoming the most unpopular internet personage since Peter Coffin ( http://inthewarbetween.blogspot.com/2011/03/peter-coffin-you-sad-sorry-sonofabitch.html )
maybe they should get together…?
I think they moved har account to the new dating site OKI’mStupid. Their new offshoot for vapid smug slags
New and improved version of the original (featuring a sane main character):
Girl: World champion of Magic: The Gathering?
Guy: For reals.
Girl: FUCK YEAH!
*sex*
The end.
You win xD
the fact that she is still single and god knows this is probably going to attracted ppl who are not shallow self centered jerks to him
wait how is this good for her LAWL good job screwing yourself?
WINNING
This pretty much sums up the thoughts of the original article… ummm… drafter (I’d make myself terribly ill if I said author, and even writer is too much of a stretch). It’s refreshing to see someone unveil the original piece of troll-bait that it was! Excellent job Kiala!
Jon Finkel –
We should go out sometime.
At least as friends. Unless you’d be into a frumpy 37 y.o. married technical writer, business analyst, and testing team lead from the boil in the armpit of the USA. In which case, I would totally show you my twist on Magic.
An invitation to Alyssa to learn MTG so she can redeem herself to the nerd community.
Best response of all, and quite early, this should have ended it. I declare it ended. Move on, everyone